Now

I never lived in the present. It is too terrifying, too boring, too lousy, too unjust, too pretentious.

I like to dream of the future and lament about the past, worry about things in the distant and miss my happy moments.

I love to be in stories. To pretend to be someone in a movie, flying on balloons, digging like a fox, be a martyr who lived for 3 hours and die in the end. To be transported to far away planets and ride dragons, feel the pain for characters who lost themselves in the eternal struggle to be or not to be, to journey through deserts and search for pyramids and hidden treasures.

I wish I did not block my heart. I wish I am generous, to others to forgive all their mistakes and flaws, to myself and be able to love wholeheartedly and smile and laugh truthfully again.

I wish I didnt have a heart. I wish I am spared all the pains and sufferings a heart is destined to suffer, and all the torments of being a human.

The threads in my life are in tension. They are close to breaking. Help, for they are the only means of keeping me human.

Ops, you pulled too hard. They snapped.

Fuck.

Cycles

We are part of nature.

Nature is governed by Cycles. Seasons are a Cycle, Day and Night are one cycle, we learnt in primary school that the foodchain is a cycle, with the dead carnivores decomposing and once again be part of the Earth, which plants grow from.

Life and Death is a Cycle.

And if nature is governed by Cycles, so are we, mere dissidents of the great Nature. We lead our lives in cycles, waking up each day, have breakfast lunch dinner, work or study and go home. But what we do not know, is that our souls have cycles too.

How we feel and act and respond is based on the Soul Cycle.

Each of us have an unique Soul Cycle, but they undergo similar phases. Birth, Youth, Aged and Death(Renewal). When our souls are born again, we feel refresh and renewed, each day brings about new wonders, we feel like a baby again, awed by the magic show that is Life.

When our souls are young, we take on new challenges, work with a fervor, live Life like no tomorrow. We simply love to exist.

Then as the stresses and pressures and unhappy things in our lives slowly creep into our souls, our souls start to age, becoming old and lethargic, boring and useless. We hate Life, we get irritated by the smallest things.

As our souls get piled up with all the anger and disappointment and loneliness, two things can happen:
1) We snap and do irreparable damage to ourselves and others, resulting in a horrifying downward spiral to the depths of hell.
2) We say to ourselves: this is too much. This is not the person i want to be. I'm going to change. I'm going to be a better person.

Most people go through the 2nd stage and the soul is renewed and Born again. Another cycle.

Most can be elaborated on the factors contributing to each phase of Soul Cycle, the different types of people with different Cycles, and methods to prolong the Youth phase. Another story for another time.

One day i'm going to write a book. My Philosophy, all these thoughts will be in it.

Brothers.

"Once there were two men, they were as close as brothers.
They were childhood friends, growing up together in the same village.
Eventually they grew up and one of them went to a more developed village to work.

One day, the man who departed received terrible news. His mother was dying and needed
medication from his new village. He bought them and rushed back.

While crossing the only bridge that connects his home village with the world, he saw his friend crossing over from his village. His friend, carrying his pregnant wife who was going into labor and require medical assistant not found in his village, was as anxious and devastated as he himself.

On that one man bridge, the only bridge connecting their home village and the world, one seeking to return to his mother's side, another with his family on his back. Neither can afford to turn back, for it'll be too late.
Oh dear merciful god, what should they do..."

I had an epiphany this morning as i lie on my bed:

One must act for the other and trust that the other act for him as though they are his own family. :) How many times will we find ourselves in the same situation as the brothers, only to think of saving ourselves and sacrificing the other? If only we know trust, we can heal the world.

One Word.

Hey,
What have been, is being, is.
I,
have seen, many things.
Felt,
alone, despair, weak, sinks.
------------------------------

Hi,
have you, experienced, the pain in me?
You,
were there?
You,
came for me?
------------------------------

Gaze,
upon the stars and
Sigh,
for though many, each is still
Far,
from every other. Light years away, they say.
------------------------------

There,
are many of us.
But,
we are like stars, so far so far.
Lonely,
is the worst feeling.
------------------------------

Smile,
I say.
When,
you walk away.
Hey,
have you came for me?

Colours of my life

(I need a camera so that i can take photos to do this post justice.
still I shall make this post as colourful as possible, iterally and visibly.)

Went Sa-ka-e Suisi with my currently-learning-jap girlfriend at Yishun. intention was to have a suishi snack till dinner with Mom at Jurong Point later. we had 3 red plates ($5.59:o) and 3 other colour plates($2.29:o) whopping price hikes. yup this snack costs.

anyway the good news is the waitress miscounted and charge me only 2 red plates o.o. yay free $5.59 Sakae Suishi voucher! woot.

Onwards to 3 chong 2 jian at Jurong point (the misleading chinese restaurant that seems to have little customers but is actually nearly full house). We started with the two black chicken soup we ordered. ME and Jieling shared one and Mom had the other. while we nearly finished our bowl, we realised:" OMG THIS IS NOT BLACK CHICKEN SOUP!"

K i guess we aint really thinking since we both should be intelligent enough to be able to differentiate black chicken from ling zhi. anyway the kind Manager apologised and changed the soup to the one we ordered, even though we kinda finished a good part of the soup already. Talk about great service :).

Yup count that in as FREE LINGZI SOUP VOUCHER!! WOOT.

came back to xiaoyi's house today, cos her house is nearer to changi naval base than mine = dont have to wake up that early to serve nation = longer sleeping hours = got piano to play(it's getting out of tune! OUT OF TUNE!) = got Desiree to beg me to play with her... etc.
point is, xiao yi and xiao yi zhang got TATTOOS! ya really cool Snake tattoo with their horoscope sign. Did i mention they are big? cause they are BIGGG!!

chill.

First Blood

Pray,
Night passes,
Fast as wind.

Pray,
Light comes,
on Silver wings.

Pray,
Sun rises,
stars unseen.

Sing,
like an angel,
amidst deep blue seas.

For all creatures, strong or weak, fly or swim, rich or poor, evil or pristine,
need Reliance, in this God forsaken haven.
Songs of sorrowful heaven, many a hybrid dreams.
Let us be each other's Shoulder, to lean on in Reality.

I hereby christen this Blog: August Sunrises.