Now

I never lived in the present. It is too terrifying, too boring, too lousy, too unjust, too pretentious.

I like to dream of the future and lament about the past, worry about things in the distant and miss my happy moments.

I love to be in stories. To pretend to be someone in a movie, flying on balloons, digging like a fox, be a martyr who lived for 3 hours and die in the end. To be transported to far away planets and ride dragons, feel the pain for characters who lost themselves in the eternal struggle to be or not to be, to journey through deserts and search for pyramids and hidden treasures.

I wish I did not block my heart. I wish I am generous, to others to forgive all their mistakes and flaws, to myself and be able to love wholeheartedly and smile and laugh truthfully again.

I wish I didnt have a heart. I wish I am spared all the pains and sufferings a heart is destined to suffer, and all the torments of being a human.

The threads in my life are in tension. They are close to breaking. Help, for they are the only means of keeping me human.

Ops, you pulled too hard. They snapped.

Fuck.